Where Do We Stand?: Comparing Two Methods For Relationship Measurement

The dating game seems to have been around as long as men and women have. Often in these relationships confusion occurs due to miscommunication and/or different expectations. In this post, I will examine two methods of relationship measurement that some experts claim will one day help make the DTR obsolete. 

1. The Hungry Reptilian 

One form of relationship measurement that is being widely used today is the hungry reptilian. In this method one or both partners purchase reptiles and then leave for extended periods of time, thus necessitating that someone else feed their reptile. To measure the seriousness of the relationship one partner simply asks the other to feed their reptile while they're gone. If they agree to it, you have the green light to proceed to the "next level". However, if they make up some sort of excuse, you may need to wait a few weeks and try again. If this continues you know you may need to pump the breaks. 

While this may seem like a very crude measurement it can be surprisingly precise. This is because the test can be customized to fit any relationship by adjusting different variables. 

If this is a new relationship, you may start by leaving for a shorter period of time, or by purchasing an entry level reptile. Maybe an African Spurred Tortoise or a small iguana. 

If you're thinking it might be time to get "serious" then maybe purchase an 8 foot boa constrictor or a monitor lizard. 

 

Or if you have commitment issues and just really need that peace of mind, you can purchase a rattlesnake that hasn't been defanged or milked. You can even have the rattle removed so that its easier for them to sneak up on your partner!

Again, this is just one variable, but there are plenty of others that can be altered to suit your needs. It's possible that you could switch from feeding dead processed food to small live rodents. This combines the danger of dealing with a dangerous reptile with the pain of having to watch an animal die. If you have a partner that's willing to feed a small chinchilla to your komodo dragon while you "go to a family reunion" in Michigan, then you can be sure that you've found someone who will stick with you forever. Plus, when you're done with your reptiles you can just throw them in the trash, or flush them down the toilet so they can live in the sewer system forever!

                                     A Perfect Habitat!                                           Have Any Water Dwellers?

2. The Jumanji Conjecture

Another form of relationship measurement now in wide use is the Jumanji Conjecture. In this method, one partner attempts to convince the other that while they were digging in the backyard they found an actual Jumanji board game. This game when played turns the immediate environment into a Rain forest filled with every dangerous animal you can imagine as well as an English hunter bent on killing anyone he sees. 

 

Once all of this is explained, the key question can be asked... "Will you play jumanji with me?"

Of course if the answer is yes, then you know you have a keeper.This is someone who can identify with your sense of adventure and who easily shoves aside the obviously immense risks involved with playing such a game just to spend time with you.

However, if your partner says no, you may want to examine why. Does s/he not believe in jumanji? Does s/he think you're a liar (you are in this case, but that's not the point)? Or does s/he not think spending time with you is worth the risk? 

Jumanji has plenty of benefits. It can be very therapeutic for a couple to be in a life-threatening situation. Having this experience will definitely let you know whether or not you belong together. It's easy to take your partner for granted in the hustle and bustle of every day life. But this is not the case when a vine grabs your significant other's leg and attempts to pull them into a seemingly bottomless pit where they will presumably be engulfed in digestive enzymes and liquefied for consumption. 

One drawback of jumanji however is that it's unpredictable. You can't know for sure what might happen or if you'll even make it out alive. However if you do live, you'll know for sure where you stand in your relationship.

So in conclusion, the hungry reptilian method is better for gauging where your relationship is before the label of "serious" is placed on said relationship. Once you reach this point the hungry reptilian is useless due to the fact that your significant other may already be used to feeding your reptiles. The Jumanji Conjecture is something that is best left to those in serious relationships due to the fact that it requires a tremendous amount of commitment and may end in a violent death for all parties involved. 

Edit: Recent studies have shown that large insects are NOT an effective substitute when using the hungry reptilian method. If you plan on using this method with an insect you may be disappointed with the results.