The Animatronics That Will One Day Fill My House And Prevent Anyone From Ever Coming Over... More So Than Any Of The Other Reasons No One Would Come Over In The First Place

One day, Animatronics will fill my house.


The criterion for inclusion in my future collection are as follows:


1. The Animatronics must be horrible to maximize creepiness. There is nothing that can ruin a nice outing to your local theme park like a creepy figure creeking up and down, moving its eyes back and forth and flapping its jaws due to the primitive machinery inside. The thing that makes animatronics so creepy is that they're supposed to make something that's clearly not alive look and act life-like. They don't succeed enough to fool anyone but lets face it, you wouldn't turn your back on one either...


2. The idea is not quality, but quantity. I want as many animatronics in my house as possible. To succeed at this i'll have to be a bargain shopper. Where other collectors would pass, I will pounce with all appropriate haste. It's really not the idea of having specific characters that amuses me, but rather the concept of having a house full of animatronics in general. I think the archetype i'm shooting for is that of the crazy cat lady. They don't have any specifics on what cats they take in. They just take in as many as possible until they die and are eaten by the cats. Hopefully when I die all of my animatronics will come to life and eat me too... though I won't get my hopes up.


3. No Robots. I don't understand why anyone would want an animatronic robot... That defeats the entire purpose. I like robots a lot but I'm still a man of principle.


4. It's all in the eyes. The eyes need to have at least 4 planes of motion. If the eyebrows can move that's even better. I don't want a house filled with toys. I want legit animatronics.


5. If you could fall asleep with it in the room it won't be in my house.


I often envision my golden years as being a slow but steady downward spiral at the end of which I will have become the sort of person who might appear in the movie "Big Fish" or be mummified and donated to a ripley's believe it or not museum. I think the acquisition of a large amount of animatronics to keep in my house is just a part of this natural and inevitable progression.


A few examples of animatronics that I approve of:


Animatronics that frighten children



Animatronics that frighten adults



Animatronics that frighten both children and adults



Thanks for wasting your time with me!