But wouldn't you rather it be me than this guy?
The Duke Of Watching You While You Sleep
Living in someone's attic is a privilege that should not be taken for granted. The person whose attic I'm currently living in doesn't even know I'm here. I just came over one day, climbed into the attic when he left the room and then texted that I had to leave because of "an emergency I can't really talk about". I'd like to think of myself as the most resourceful person alive. I don't waste anything. I even use my junk mail as toilet paper (not because I have to, but because I WANT to). When the junk mail runs out I just use my roommate's loofah...
Judging whether or not you're fit enough to live in an attic long-term is really based on how long you can stay in one position. This however doesn't mean you won't get any exercise if the people who legally live there are home. If you're trying to crawl to the other side of the attic where you're cooking your food (open fire is really the best way) and you suspect someone heard you, you may need to stay in a fixed position for an extended period of time. This is a great time to work on your core. Flex your abdominal muscles for 20 seconds, then rest for 5. Do this until the host family either goes to bed or leaves for work.
You'll need your core strength if you're ever caught and sent to prison.
When my friend leaves the house I come out of the attic and live in the house. This is a great time to stretch your legs, go to the bathroom, and eat some non-rodent protein. I would however strongly caution against tivo'ing your favorite shows on your host family's TV. However if you do, make sure and stick to the shows they would normally watch. Family Matters re-runs nearly got me busted two weeks ago.
Did I do that? I hope so because
if not there might be someone living
in my attic.
If you think your host family has heard you and are becoming suspicious, you can do one of two things. The first and simpler of the two will only buy you a limited amount of time. Get into the cabinets and rip open small holes in their cereal boxes and chip bags. This will convince them that they have a rat problem. If you've been storing your feces in a can (which you should ALWAYS do, just in case) you can segment it into tiny pellets and spread them around the house. If this doesn't seem to be working you can try the more drastic approach of convincing them that you're a ghost. Make sure you work your way up gradually though. Don't go full-on redrum in the mirror on day one. When they leave for work or go to bed just move a few things, turn on the tv, or simply open a door. You're going for unsettling more than frightening. The goal here is to make it uncomfortable for anyone to stay in the house... this will give you more alone time.
Wait, so how is Kim-Jong-Il going to help us?
Living in an attic has many benefits. Having lots of things to do is not one of them. One trick i've learned to help pass the time is to drill tiny holes in the ceiling so you can keep an eye on the family below. This serves a two-fold purpose. It helps you keep tabs on where everyone is and what they're doing. It will also give you that feeling of control that convinced you to live in an attic in the first place.
Today, is going to be a good day.
Lastly, I would encourage you to document everything you do. This is a great way to kill time and may even lead to a career in writing.
You blazed the trail for us all.
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