A Miscommunication

     "Aww hell man I didn't know that's what spelunking meant... 

       Naw man I think I'm just gonna stay home"

Mulkey Musings

So I was down at the fune home hangin with the dead bods just like I always do and I had a revelation:


Where the hell do morticians come from?


                                                      Keepin it real at the Mulk-Mase...

If you do a google image search for mortician you'll mostly find pictures of metal bands. That makes a lot of sense. Being a mortician would be about as metal as it gets.

"Oh hey guys... great set. 

Hey by the way didn't I see you at 

starbucks the other day?"

"Yeah... Tommy works there... Is that a tie?"

"Oh... that... haha. I'm a mortician."

"Do you play bass?"

"Oh yeah, it's a five string warlock"

"Coffin Case?"

"Oh yeah, that's what it comes with..."

"We practice thursday nights"

Of course if we use six feet under as a template it may not be as metal as we'd like it to be...

  
 "Oh I don't doubt he's under... 

I just think six feet might be an exaggeration"

(If you didn't get that reference it means you're not going to hell... or that you just never watched six feet under... either way you win)


I guess it makes sense really. I mean think about it. What do morticians do? They cut hair, paint fingernails, do makeup, wardrobe... They basically give dead people makeovers. I think I might pitch a new show to Bravo called "Mortician Swap"

    "My god... This is worse than I thought. What are we in the stone-age?

 Grandpa Munster called... he wants his casket back"

I've already arranged for this guy to makeover my corpse.

A friend of mine died a while back and told him he wanted to look like Edward scissor hands... He did a really good job so I don't think he'll have a hard time giving me the "Robert Smith"


                                "The Cure for not being beat up enough in high school"

All things aside though, I think the real question here is what to drive if you become a mortician.


In my opinion there are only two real options:

"The mercedes of hearses"

Or if you're on a budget there's always Grave Digger

What kind of ride should I get if I become a mortician?

Dating Tips From A Pro

If you want to learn how to do something right you go to the best. With so much information available on the subject, finding good advice on dating is something that can seem overwhelming. I've scoured the internet and spent countless hours in the bathroom of barnes and noble reading up on the subject and no matter how many different methods I discover, it seems all roads lead to the same conclusion:                       

If you're unsatisfied with your dating life you need look no further than the master of seduction himself,

                                                                      Swamp Thing

In all honesty, Swamp Thing really doesn't have a lot going for him. He's green, covered in moss, and lives alone in a swamp. He doesn't even really have a name, it's just a label clarifying his natural habitat. But before you jump to any conclusions lets review the stats:                             

                                                                  First Impressions: "Wait, which guy are you talking about?"

You                                                                                                                                               

Job: Best Buy

Housing: Apartment

Vehicle:1999 Ford Geo

Looks: Average

Build: "Al Bundy"

Personality: 4.2 AADRD 

Dates in the past 5 months: 2

                                                                                  

                                                                    

                                                                     First Impressions:                         HOLY SHIT

Swamp Thing                                                                                 

Job:N/A

Housing: Basically Homeless

Vehicle:N/A

Looks:"Honey, get back in the car... NOW!"

Build:"Hard to tell, but no one would pick

a fight with him in a bar, even if that bar was in New Jersey."

Personality:0 AADRD

Dates in the past 5 months: 34

*AADRD denotes "Average Arrested Development

  References Per Day"

Swamp Thing's dating numbers are astoundingly high, especially considering the apparent absence of any of the things women supposedly find attractive. So what is it that makes him so irresistible to the opposite sex?

POWER:

                                           "I Love Him Because He Can Take Care Of Me"

Women like to feel safe. Swamp Thing's bulky physique is a constant reminder that he is in control of his immediate surroundings. Not even a battle-hardened ex-marine wielding a bowie knife and/or machete can prevent swamp thing from accomplishing his goals of wooing every woman within staring distance of his swamp. 

                            "You Have No Idea The Things I Am Capable Of... In A Good Way"

If You're So Bulky That It Looks Like Your Crew-Cut Is About 

To Pop Off Then You've Gone Too Far. 

Unfortunately For This Man, Women Prefer Men Who Have Brains, 

Not Men Who Look Like Brains.

MYSTERY:

                              "I Love Him Because His Eyes Tell Me There's Something More"

Swamp Thing is an admittedly boring fellow. But his nomadic life style and lack of conversational skills give him an air of mystery that few men can match. Most believe his mossy camouflage is for hunting purposes, but in reality it makes it easier for him to sneak up on women and sweep them off their feet for a date they'll never forget.

                                           "That Stump Kind Of Looks Like Hulk Hogan..."

                                 "This Will Change The Way Women Look At You Forever"

WILL-POWER

   "I Love Him Because If I Don't He Will Probably Follow Me Home And Stare At

 Me Through My Windows Until I Come Outside Or Call The Police"

There is nothing that women love more than a man that won't take no for an answer. What Swamp Thing lacks in tact he makes up for in confidence. What Swamp Thing Wants, Swamp Thing gets.

                                                              "Where There's A Will..."

"Make A Way"