The 1999 Assembly of Shark Ambassadors

"So as you can see, our relations with the humans are improving. Our approval rating is on a steady upward trend with polls indicating that 43% of humans find sharks of little to no concern. Even race relations have improved... According to recent studies, 68% of humans believe sharks to be fair and balanced, with 15% describing sharks as progressive... I'll open up the floor for questions now. Yes, you there..."

"What effect if any do you feel Hollywood has had on this recent trend?"

"Well personally I would think time is really the key. The further we get from the jaws movies the better... But that really seems like more of a PR question so I'll let Carl

expand on that... Carl?... Has anyone seen Carl?"

"You've got to be kidding me."

A Miscommunication

     "Aww hell man I didn't know that's what spelunking meant... 

       Naw man I think I'm just gonna stay home"

Mulkey Musings

So I was down at the fune home hangin with the dead bods just like I always do and I had a revelation:


Where the hell do morticians come from?


                                                      Keepin it real at the Mulk-Mase...

If you do a google image search for mortician you'll mostly find pictures of metal bands. That makes a lot of sense. Being a mortician would be about as metal as it gets.

"Oh hey guys... great set. 

Hey by the way didn't I see you at 

starbucks the other day?"

"Yeah... Tommy works there... Is that a tie?"

"Oh... that... haha. I'm a mortician."

"Do you play bass?"

"Oh yeah, it's a five string warlock"

"Coffin Case?"

"Oh yeah, that's what it comes with..."

"We practice thursday nights"

Of course if we use six feet under as a template it may not be as metal as we'd like it to be...

  
 "Oh I don't doubt he's under... 

I just think six feet might be an exaggeration"

(If you didn't get that reference it means you're not going to hell... or that you just never watched six feet under... either way you win)


I guess it makes sense really. I mean think about it. What do morticians do? They cut hair, paint fingernails, do makeup, wardrobe... They basically give dead people makeovers. I think I might pitch a new show to Bravo called "Mortician Swap"

    "My god... This is worse than I thought. What are we in the stone-age?

 Grandpa Munster called... he wants his casket back"

I've already arranged for this guy to makeover my corpse.

A friend of mine died a while back and told him he wanted to look like Edward scissor hands... He did a really good job so I don't think he'll have a hard time giving me the "Robert Smith"


                                "The Cure for not being beat up enough in high school"

All things aside though, I think the real question here is what to drive if you become a mortician.


In my opinion there are only two real options:

"The mercedes of hearses"

Or if you're on a budget there's always Grave Digger

What kind of ride should I get if I become a mortician?

Dating Tips From A Pro

If you want to learn how to do something right you go to the best. With so much information available on the subject, finding good advice on dating is something that can seem overwhelming. I've scoured the internet and spent countless hours in the bathroom of barnes and noble reading up on the subject and no matter how many different methods I discover, it seems all roads lead to the same conclusion:                       

If you're unsatisfied with your dating life you need look no further than the master of seduction himself,

                                                                      Swamp Thing

In all honesty, Swamp Thing really doesn't have a lot going for him. He's green, covered in moss, and lives alone in a swamp. He doesn't even really have a name, it's just a label clarifying his natural habitat. But before you jump to any conclusions lets review the stats:                             

                                                                  First Impressions: "Wait, which guy are you talking about?"

You                                                                                                                                               

Job: Best Buy

Housing: Apartment

Vehicle:1999 Ford Geo

Looks: Average

Build: "Al Bundy"

Personality: 4.2 AADRD 

Dates in the past 5 months: 2

                                                                                  

                                                                    

                                                                     First Impressions:                         HOLY SHIT

Swamp Thing                                                                                 

Job:N/A

Housing: Basically Homeless

Vehicle:N/A

Looks:"Honey, get back in the car... NOW!"

Build:"Hard to tell, but no one would pick

a fight with him in a bar, even if that bar was in New Jersey."

Personality:0 AADRD

Dates in the past 5 months: 34

*AADRD denotes "Average Arrested Development

  References Per Day"

Swamp Thing's dating numbers are astoundingly high, especially considering the apparent absence of any of the things women supposedly find attractive. So what is it that makes him so irresistible to the opposite sex?

POWER:

                                           "I Love Him Because He Can Take Care Of Me"

Women like to feel safe. Swamp Thing's bulky physique is a constant reminder that he is in control of his immediate surroundings. Not even a battle-hardened ex-marine wielding a bowie knife and/or machete can prevent swamp thing from accomplishing his goals of wooing every woman within staring distance of his swamp. 

                            "You Have No Idea The Things I Am Capable Of... In A Good Way"

If You're So Bulky That It Looks Like Your Crew-Cut Is About 

To Pop Off Then You've Gone Too Far. 

Unfortunately For This Man, Women Prefer Men Who Have Brains, 

Not Men Who Look Like Brains.

MYSTERY:

                              "I Love Him Because His Eyes Tell Me There's Something More"

Swamp Thing is an admittedly boring fellow. But his nomadic life style and lack of conversational skills give him an air of mystery that few men can match. Most believe his mossy camouflage is for hunting purposes, but in reality it makes it easier for him to sneak up on women and sweep them off their feet for a date they'll never forget.

                                           "That Stump Kind Of Looks Like Hulk Hogan..."

                                 "This Will Change The Way Women Look At You Forever"

WILL-POWER

   "I Love Him Because If I Don't He Will Probably Follow Me Home And Stare At

 Me Through My Windows Until I Come Outside Or Call The Police"

There is nothing that women love more than a man that won't take no for an answer. What Swamp Thing lacks in tact he makes up for in confidence. What Swamp Thing Wants, Swamp Thing gets.

                                                              "Where There's A Will..."

"Make A Way"

Do You Ever Get The Feeling That Someone Is In Your Attic?

It's me.


But wouldn't you rather it be me than this guy?


                                             The Duke Of Watching You While You Sleep

Living in someone's attic is a privilege that should not be taken for granted. The person whose attic I'm currently living in doesn't even know I'm here. I just came over one day, climbed into the attic when he left the room and then texted that I had to leave because of "an emergency I can't really talk about". I'd like to think of myself as the most resourceful person alive. I don't waste anything. I even use my junk mail as toilet paper (not because I have to, but because I WANT to). When the junk mail runs out I just use my roommate's loofah...


Judging whether or not you're fit enough to live in an attic long-term is really based on how long you can stay in one position. This however doesn't mean you won't get any exercise if the people who legally live there are home. If you're trying to crawl to the other side of the attic where you're cooking your food (open fire is really the best way) and you suspect someone heard you, you may need to stay in a fixed position for an extended period of time. This is a great time to work on your core. Flex your abdominal muscles for 20 seconds, then rest for 5. Do this until the host family either goes to bed or leaves for work.


                        You'll need your core strength if you're ever caught and sent to prison.

When my friend leaves the house I come out of the attic and live in the house. This is a great time to stretch your legs, go to the bathroom, and eat some non-rodent protein. I would however strongly caution against tivo'ing your favorite shows on your host family's TV. However if you do, make sure and stick to the shows they would normally watch. Family Matters re-runs nearly got me busted two weeks ago.
                                                          
                                                     Did I do that? I hope so because
                                                   if not there might be someone living
                                                                        in my attic.

If you think your host family has heard you and are becoming suspicious, you can do one of two things. The first and simpler of the two will only buy you a limited amount of time. Get into the cabinets and rip open small holes in their cereal boxes and chip bags. This will convince them that they have a rat problem. If you've been storing your feces in a can (which you should ALWAYS do, just in case) you can segment it into tiny pellets and spread them around the house. If this doesn't seem to be working you can try the more drastic approach of convincing them that you're a ghost. Make sure you work your way up gradually though. Don't go full-on redrum in the mirror on day one. When they leave for work or go to bed just move a few things, turn on the tv, or simply open a door. You're going for unsettling more than frightening. The goal here is to make it uncomfortable for  anyone to stay in the house... this will give you more alone time.


                                            Wait, so how is Kim-Jong-Il going to help us?

Living in an attic has many benefits. Having lots of things to do is not one of them. One trick i've learned to help pass the time is to drill tiny holes in the ceiling so you can keep an eye on the family below. This serves a two-fold purpose. It helps you keep tabs on where everyone is and what they're doing. It will also give you that feeling of control that convinced you to live in an attic in the first place.


                                                     Today, is going to be a good day.

Lastly, I would encourage you to document everything you do. This is a great way to kill time and may even lead to a career in writing.


                                                        You blazed the trail for us all.

The Ramblings Of A Mad-Man Who May Or May Not Be Planning To Overthrow The Government Of A Country That Rhymes With Chenezuela

I admit it. I'm a wikifreak. I love wikileaks more than anyone you know (and don't avoid talking to). One of the recent cables released by Julian Assange's information powerhouse seems to claim that the Iranian government has been using ninja assassins to keep people in line. 


                                           You're Doing A Fantastic Job Iran, Keep It Up

"xxxxxxxxxxxx said he personally knew one such martial arts master whom he said was used by the Intelligence service to murder at least six different individuals over the course of several months in xxxxxxxxxxxx said that the victims included intellectuals and young “pro-democracy activists,” adding that his assassin acquaintance was ultimately “suicided” by the authorities (i.e., killed in what was subsequently labeled a suicide)."


                                          Iran, please update your flag. It's possibly
                                          the most derivative flag I've ever seen. It's 
                                          just like Mexico's but without a picture 
                                          symbolizing mother nature's uncontrollable 
                                          hatred of snakes (food for any animal with feet).

This is just one of the many reasons I will one day move to Iran. If I end up being killed for opposing the government I would prefer it to come in the form of a ninja assassination. I want my death to be something other people can relate to. Disappearing while on vacation seems like something that only happens to affluent white women, but anyone could die at the hands of a ninja. With all of the liberal "people have rights" mumbo-jumbo flying out of the white house these days its refreshing to see a country that knows how to get things done. I've spent too much time trying to figure out how many conspiracies the government is involved in because they do a fairly good job of covering it up. I wish they'd just quit wasting my time and come out with it (by sending a group of ninjas to my house to rough me up). It would be painful and would likely end with a trip to the hospital due to blood in my urine, but at least I would know. 


                                               Iran, Thank You For Your Transparency

A Final Thought:
I get the feeling that the elite are intentionally trying to fatten the middle class up so that they can one day use them as fuel for their Helijets (Combination of a Helicopter and a jet; redundancy to the point of impracticality is a major status symbol among the elite).


                                                Just Because You Can Do Something, 

                                                        Definitely Means You Should

My Actual Final Thought:

Time for some Wendy's...

  Oppression Is Delicious

Being An Animorph Would In Most Cases Be Horrible

If you're not familiar with the Animorphs series I highly suggest you count your blessings and move on. But, because you're so interested, which I'm sure you're not, I'll fill you in on what you're missing.

Yep that's pretty much it... Kids turning into animals. I would however like to point out before i move on that it would probably be a better trick to turn into the middle phase than a full-on lion. 

1. A child who has just found out that narwhals are real

2. A child who may have leprosy

3. A scare-crow that probably eats babies

4. A perturbed lion

5. A slightly more perturbed lion

While turning into a lion would admittedly be pretty awesome not all animorphs are so lucky...

This kid has the ability to turn into a duck. This will allow him to quickly migrate to new places where other kids won't make fun of him for turning into a duck.

This little girl appears to be able to turn into an iguana which is great. One day when she grows up she's gonna meet that perfect guy who loves her for who she is... And also because he's very attracted to lizards.

                      Someone Will Love Her...                       Probably This Guy

                      

Now I have to admit that at first glance this is a great ability. But my main problem here is that I don't think this girl would ever use her ability for anything other than avoiding being 15 and tucking her baggy t-shirts into her high wasted jeans. If I had to choose I'd pick e-wok every time. 

                                          You Don't Know What Real Pain Is...

I thank God every day that this isn't real. How would you explain to a child that he has the ability to turn into a 6 foot sting-ray any time he wants to? Do you know what kind of havoc he could unleash? What if someone stepped on him? He would be able to enter virtually any room with a door that has at least 2 inches of floor clearance at an alarmingly sluggish pace. Well I for one won't stand for it.

                             The Culmination Of All The Things Wrong With This Generation

What are these stories communicating to our children? That it's better to be an animal than a human? I feel like these books would make more sense the other way around. I'm sure if you gave that stingray a chance to be human he would take it. Though I'm not entirely sure how you'd know his answer. I need to research stingray body language more... he would probably wag his tail or something. Bottom line, if you gave that stingray a shot at being human it would be the best day of his life. A day that he would most likely celebrate by stabbing anything that moves.