A Blog About Things No Human Should Ever See

A Miscommunication

2011-02-17T21:38:00.000-08:00

"Aww hell man I didn't know that's what spelunking meant...

Naw man I think I'm just gonna stay home"

A simple question about grass

2011-02-11T15:38:00.000-08:00

Is it normal to hear thousands of blood curdling screams while you cut the grass?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is it normal to like it?

I'll be honest with you , I really just wanted to use this picture of a grass pimp I found.

Also, I've decided that Grass Pimp will be a regular meme on this site. Deal with it.

Mulkey Musings

2011-02-09T23:12:00.000-08:00

So I was down at the fune home hangin with the dead bods just like I always do and I had a revelation:

Where the hell do morticians come from?

Keepin it real at the Mulk-Mase...

If you do a google image search for mortician you'll mostly find pictures of metal bands. That makes a lot of sense. Being a mortician would be about as metal as it gets.

"Oh hey guys... great set.

Hey by the way didn't I see you at

starbucks the other day?"

"Yeah... Tommy works there... Is that a tie?"

"Oh... that... haha. I'm a mortician."

"Do you play bass?"

"Oh yeah, it's a five string warlock"

"Coffin Case?"

"Oh yeah, that's what it comes with..."

"We practice thursday nights"

Of course if we use six feet under as a template it may not be as metal as we'd like it to be...

"Oh I don't doubt he's under...

I just think six feet might be an exaggeration"

(If you didn't get that reference it means you're not going to hell... or that you just never watched six feet under... either way you win)

I guess it makes sense really. I mean think about it. What do morticians do? They cut hair, paint fingernails, do makeup, wardrobe... They basically give dead people makeovers. I think I might pitch a new show to Bravo called "Mortician Swap"

"My god... This is worse than I thought. What are we in the stone-age?

Grandpa Munster called... he wants his casket back"

I've already arranged for this guy to makeover my corpse.

A friend of mine died a while back and told him he wanted to look like Edward scissor hands... He did a really good job so I don't think he'll have a hard time giving me the "Robert Smith"

"The Cure for not being beat up enough in high school"

All things aside though, I think the real question here is what to drive if you become a mortician.

In my opinion there are only two real options:

"The mercedes of hearses"

Or if you're on a budget there's always Grave Digger

What kind of ride should I get if I become a mortician?

Dating Tips From A Pro

2011-01-06T02:29:00.000-08:00

If you want to learn how to do something right you go to the best. With so much information available on the subject, finding good advice on dating is something that can seem overwhelming. I've scoured the internet and spent countless hours in the bathroom of barnes and noble reading up on the subject and no matter how many different methods I discover, it seems all roads lead to the same conclusion:

If you're unsatisfied with your dating life you need look no further than the master of seduction himself,

Swamp Thing

In all honesty, Swamp Thing really doesn't have a lot going for him. He's green, covered in moss, and lives alone in a swamp. He doesn't even really have a name, it's just a label clarifying his natural habitat. But before you jump to any conclusions lets review the stats:

First Impressions: "Wait, which guy are you talking about?"

You

Job: Best Buy

Housing: Apartment

Vehicle:1999 Ford Geo

Looks: Average

Build: "Al Bundy"

Personality: 4.2 AADRD

Dates in the past 5 months: 2

First Impressions: HOLY SHIT

Swamp Thing

Job:N/A

Housing: Basically Homeless

Vehicle:N/A

Looks:"Honey, get back in the car... NOW!"

Build:"Hard to tell, but no one would pick

a fight with him in a bar, even if that bar was in New Jersey."

Personality:0 AADRD

Dates in the past 5 months: 34

*AADRD denotes "Average Arrested Development

References Per Day"

Swamp Thing's dating numbers are astoundingly high, especially considering the apparent absence of any of the things women supposedly find attractive. So what is it that makes him so irresistible to the opposite sex?

POWER:

"I Love Him Because He Can Take Care Of Me"

Women like to feel safe. Swamp Thing's bulky physique is a constant reminder that he is in control of his immediate surroundings. Not even a battle-hardened ex-marine wielding a bowie knife and/or machete can prevent swamp thing from accomplishing his goals of wooing every woman within staring distance of his swamp.

"You Have No Idea The Things I Am Capable Of... In A Good Way"

If You're So Bulky That It Looks Like Your Crew-Cut Is About

To Pop Off Then You've Gone Too Far.

Unfortunately For This Man, Women Prefer Men Who Have Brains,

Not Men Who Look Like Brains.

MYSTERY:

"I Love Him Because His Eyes Tell Me There's Something More"

Swamp Thing is an admittedly boring fellow. But his nomadic life style and lack of conversational skills give him an air of mystery that few men can match. Most believe his mossy camouflage is for hunting purposes, but in reality it makes it easier for him to sneak up on women and sweep them off their feet for a date they'll never forget.

"That Stump Kind Of Looks Like Hulk Hogan..."

"This Will Change The Way Women Look At You Forever"

WILL-POWER

"I Love Him Because If I Don't He Will Probably Follow Me Home And Stare At

Me Through My Windows Until I Come Outside Or Call The Police"

There is nothing that women love more than a man that won't take no for an answer. What Swamp Thing lacks in tact he makes up for in confidence. What Swamp Thing Wants, Swamp Thing gets.

"Where There's A Will..."

"Make A Way"

Do You Ever Get The Feeling That Someone Is In Your Attic?

2010-12-23T18:47:00.000-08:00

It's me.

But wouldn't you rather it be me than this guy?

The Duke Of Watching You While You Sleep

Living in someone's attic is a privilege that should not be taken for granted. The person whose attic I'm currently living in doesn't even know I'm here. I just came over one day, climbed into the attic when he left the room and then texted that I had to leave because of "an emergency I can't really talk about". I'd like to think of myself as the most resourceful person alive. I don't waste anything. I even use my junk mail as toilet paper (not because I have to, but because I WANT to). When the junk mail runs out I just use my roommate's loofah...

Judging whether or not you're fit enough to live in an attic long-term is really based on how long you can stay in one position. This however doesn't mean you won't get any exercise if the people who legally live there are home. If you're trying to crawl to the other side of the attic where you're cooking your food (open fire is really the best way) and you suspect someone heard you, you may need to stay in a fixed position for an extended period of time. This is a great time to work on your core. Flex your abdominal muscles for 20 seconds, then rest for 5. Do this until the host family either goes to bed or leaves for work.

You'll need your core strength if you're ever caught and sent to prison.

When my friend leaves the house I come out of the attic and live in the house. This is a great time to stretch your legs, go to the bathroom, and eat some non-rodent protein. I would however strongly caution against tivo'ing your favorite shows on your host family's TV. However if you do, make sure and stick to the shows they would normally watch. Family Matters re-runs nearly got me busted two weeks ago.

   Did I do that? I hope so because
   if not there might be someone living
   in my attic.

If you think your host family has heard you and are becoming suspicious, you can do one of two things. The first and simpler of the two will only buy you a limited amount of time. Get into the cabinets and rip open small holes in their cereal boxes and chip bags. This will convince them that they have a rat problem. If you've been storing your feces in a can (which you should ALWAYS do, just in case) you can segment it into tiny pellets and spread them around the house. If this doesn't seem to be working you can try the more drastic approach of convincing them that you're a ghost. Make sure you work your way up gradually though. Don't go full-on redrum in the mirror on day one. When they leave for work or go to bed just move a few things, turn on the tv, or simply open a door. You're going for unsettling more than frightening. The goal here is to make it uncomfortable for anyone to stay in the house... this will give you more alone time.

Wait, so how is Kim-Jong-Il going to help us?

Living in an attic has many benefits. Having lots of things to do is not one of them. One trick i've learned to help pass the time is to drill tiny holes in the ceiling so you can keep an eye on the family below. This serves a two-fold purpose. It helps you keep tabs on where everyone is and what they're doing. It will also give you that feeling of control that convinced you to live in an attic in the first place.

Today, is going to be a good day.

Lastly, I would encourage you to document everything you do. This is a great way to kill time and may even lead to a career in writing.

You blazed the trail for us all.

The Ramblings Of A Mad-Man Who May Or May Not Be Planning To Overthrow The Government Of A Country That Rhymes With Chenezuela

2010-12-17T20:54:00.000-08:00

I admit it. I'm a wikifreak. I love wikileaks more than anyone you know (and don't avoid talking to). One of the recent cables released by Julian Assange's information powerhouse seems to claim that the Iranian government has been using ninja assassins to keep people in line.

You're Doing A Fantastic Job Iran, Keep It Up

"xxxxxxxxxxxx said he personally knew one such martial arts master whom he said was used by the Intelligence service to murder at least six different individuals over the course of several months in xxxxxxxxxxxx said that the victims included intellectuals and young “pro-democracy activists,” adding that his assassin acquaintance was ultimately “suicided” by the authorities (i.e., killed in what was subsequently labeled a suicide)."

   Iran, please update your flag. It's possibly
   the most derivative flag I've ever seen. It's
   just like Mexico's but without a picture
   symbolizing mother nature's uncontrollable
   hatred of snakes (food for any animal with feet).

This is just one of the many reasons I will one day move to Iran. If I end up being killed for opposing the government I would prefer it to come in the form of a ninja assassination. I want my death to be something other people can relate to. Disappearing while on vacation seems like something that only happens to affluent white women, but anyone could die at the hands of a ninja. With all of the liberal "people have rights" mumbo-jumbo flying out of the white house these days its refreshing to see a country that knows how to get things done. I've spent too much time trying to figure out how many conspiracies the government is involved in because they do a fairly good job of covering it up. I wish they'd just quit wasting my time and come out with it (by sending a group of ninjas to my house to rough me up). It would be painful and would likely end with a trip to the hospital due to blood in my urine, but at least I would know.

Iran, Thank You For Your Transparency

A Final Thought:
I get the feeling that the elite are intentionally trying to fatten the middle class up so that they can one day use them as fuel for their Helijets (Combination of a Helicopter and a jet; redundancy to the point of impracticality is a major status symbol among the elite).

Just Because You Can Do Something,

Definitely Means You Should

My Actual Final Thought:

Time for some Wendy's...

Oppression Is Delicious

Being An Animorph Would In Most Cases Be Horrible

2010-12-17T02:22:00.000-08:00

If you're not familiar with the Animorphs series I highly suggest you count your blessings and move on. But, because you're so interested, which I'm sure you're not, I'll fill you in on what you're missing.

Yep that's pretty much it... Kids turning into animals. I would however like to point out before i move on that it would probably be a better trick to turn into the middle phase than a full-on lion.

1. A child who has just found out that narwhals are real

2. A child who may have leprosy

3. A scare-crow that probably eats babies

4. A perturbed lion

5. A slightly more perturbed lion

While turning into a lion would admittedly be pretty awesome not all animorphs are so lucky...

This kid has the ability to turn into a duck. This will allow him to quickly migrate to new places where other kids won't make fun of him for turning into a duck.

This little girl appears to be able to turn into an iguana which is great. One day when she grows up she's gonna meet that perfect guy who loves her for who she is... And also because he's very attracted to lizards.

Someone Will Love Her... Probably This Guy

Now I have to admit that at first glance this is a great ability. But my main problem here is that I don't think this girl would ever use her ability for anything other than avoiding being 15 and tucking her baggy t-shirts into her high wasted jeans. If I had to choose I'd pick e-wok every time.

You Don't Know What Real Pain Is...

I thank God every day that this isn't real. How would you explain to a child that he has the ability to turn into a 6 foot sting-ray any time he wants to? Do you know what kind of havoc he could unleash? What if someone stepped on him? He would be able to enter virtually any room with a door that has at least 2 inches of floor clearance at an alarmingly sluggish pace. Well I for one won't stand for it.

The Culmination Of All The Things Wrong With This Generation

What are these stories communicating to our children? That it's better to be an animal than a human? I feel like these books would make more sense the other way around. I'm sure if you gave that stingray a chance to be human he would take it. Though I'm not entirely sure how you'd know his answer. I need to research stingray body language more... he would probably wag his tail or something. Bottom line, if you gave that stingray a shot at being human it would be the best day of his life. A day that he would most likely celebrate by stabbing anything that moves.

Pigeon Musings

2010-12-16T18:25:00.000-08:00

I think I might want to pursue an occupation as a pigeon tamer just like that woman in home alone 2...

I'm not entirely sure how a pigeon tamer makes a living but it seems like it would be fairly easy to get by. You wouldn't have to worry about water because in all likelihood you would already be living in a park with a lake or fountain where pigeons would commonly congregate. Food wise you would be set up pretty well too because you could just eat one or two of your pigeons. It seems to me the only real problem would be health insurance. Maybe it would be possible to form a symbiotic relationship with another pseudo-homeless person. You could give them the feathers from some of your pigeons to make a nice outfit that they can go to job interviews in. Maybe they could get hired at starbucks or enterprise rent-a-car. These places have great benefits and may offer an insurance plan that would allow for more than one person to be covered. This may require you to marry said pseudo-homeless person, but you could easily catch a lizard or snake in the park and use the hungry reptilian method i described in my last post to find the right one.

Living in the park seems like it could be rough, especially in the winter, but I would guess the added body heat from all of those pigeons would be enough to keep you warm at night. At any rate, life as a pigeon tamer would require a lot of sacrifices. But they're sacrifices I'm willing to make... And can you blame me?

I would encourage the two people that will ever see this to seriously consider a bird-centered lifestyle. Plus... It's all tax free!

Where Do We Stand?: Comparing Two Methods For Relationship Measurement

2010-12-16T12:42:00.000-08:00

The dating game seems to have been around as long as men and women have. Often in these relationships confusion occurs due to miscommunication and/or different expectations. In this post, I will examine two methods of relationship measurement that some experts claim will one day help make the DTR obsolete.

1. The Hungry Reptilian

One form of relationship measurement that is being widely used today is the hungry reptilian. In this method one or both partners purchase reptiles and then leave for extended periods of time, thus necessitating that someone else feed their reptile. To measure the seriousness of the relationship one partner simply asks the other to feed their reptile while they're gone. If they agree to it, you have the green light to proceed to the "next level". However, if they make up some sort of excuse, you may need to wait a few weeks and try again. If this continues you know you may need to pump the breaks.

While this may seem like a very crude measurement it can be surprisingly precise. This is because the test can be customized to fit any relationship by adjusting different variables.

If this is a new relationship, you may start by leaving for a shorter period of time, or by purchasing an entry level reptile. Maybe an African Spurred Tortoise or a small iguana.

If you're thinking it might be time to get "serious" then maybe purchase an 8 foot boa constrictor or a monitor lizard.

Or if you have commitment issues and just really need that peace of mind, you can purchase a rattlesnake that hasn't been defanged or milked. You can even have the rattle removed so that its easier for them to sneak up on your partner!

Again, this is just one variable, but there are plenty of others that can be altered to suit your needs. It's possible that you could switch from feeding dead processed food to small live rodents. This combines the danger of dealing with a dangerous reptile with the pain of having to watch an animal die. If you have a partner that's willing to feed a small chinchilla to your komodo dragon while you "go to a family reunion" in Michigan, then you can be sure that you've found someone who will stick with you forever. Plus, when you're done with your reptiles you can just throw them in the trash, or flush them down the toilet so they can live in the sewer system forever!

A Perfect Habitat! Have Any Water Dwellers?

2. The Jumanji Conjecture

Another form of relationship measurement now in wide use is the Jumanji Conjecture. In this method, one partner attempts to convince the other that while they were digging in the backyard they found an actual Jumanji board game. This game when played turns the immediate environment into a Rain forest filled with every dangerous animal you can imagine as well as an English hunter bent on killing anyone he sees.

Once all of this is explained, the key question can be asked... "Will you play jumanji with me?"

Of course if the answer is yes, then you know you have a keeper.This is someone who can identify with your sense of adventure and who easily shoves aside the obviously immense risks involved with playing such a game just to spend time with you.

However, if your partner says no, you may want to examine why. Does s/he not believe in jumanji? Does s/he think you're a liar (you are in this case, but that's not the point)? Or does s/he not think spending time with you is worth the risk?

Jumanji has plenty of benefits. It can be very therapeutic for a couple to be in a life-threatening situation. Having this experience will definitely let you know whether or not you belong together. It's easy to take your partner for granted in the hustle and bustle of every day life. But this is not the case when a vine grabs your significant other's leg and attempts to pull them into a seemingly bottomless pit where they will presumably be engulfed in digestive enzymes and liquefied for consumption.

One drawback of jumanji however is that it's unpredictable. You can't know for sure what might happen or if you'll even make it out alive. However if you do live, you'll know for sure where you stand in your relationship.

So in conclusion, the hungry reptilian method is better for gauging where your relationship is before the label of "serious" is placed on said relationship. Once you reach this point the hungry reptilian is useless due to the fact that your significant other may already be used to feeding your reptiles. The Jumanji Conjecture is something that is best left to those in serious relationships due to the fact that it requires a tremendous amount of commitment and may end in a violent death for all parties involved.

Edit: Recent studies have shown that large insects are NOT an effective substitute when using the hungry reptilian method. If you plan on using this method with an insect you may be disappointed with the results.

Wish I Would Have Thought Of It First...

2010-12-16T08:39:00.000-08:00

Dimebag Darrell might be the best shred name ever. I really wish I would have thought of it first...

Oh I'm working on securing an interview with a man who has a full sleeve portrait tattoo of Dimebag Darrell on his arm. I found out about him in a guitar forum and immediately signed up with the username Dimebag Daniel and direct messaged him. He's definitely keeping me at arms length. I think my username may be too obvious. I'll keep you posted on my progress with this.

Is That A Pepper Grinder?

2010-12-16T07:57:00.000-08:00

Based on the scraping noises being made by the woman sitting next to me in the coffee shop I am supposed to be studying in, she is either:

a) spreading something on a bagel with a plastic knife

b)peeling an apple with a pocket knife the size of which is enough to scare off any assailants that might try and corner her in a parking lot (which is the real reason she has the knife in the first place; the apple peeling is solely for brandishing purposes)

c)whittling a small figurine of me updating my facebook status. Later she will blog about it and when I discover her blog years later I will blog about it. When she finds my blog about her blog she will then blog about how crazy it is that the random guy she whittled in a coffee shop 4 years ago found her blog and blogged about it...

I'll keep you posted...

The Animatronics That Will One Day Fill My House And Prevent Anyone From Ever Coming Over... More So Than Any Of The Other Reasons No One Would Come Over In The First Place

2010-12-15T20:29:00.000-08:00

One day, Animatronics will fill my house.

The criterion for inclusion in my future collection are as follows:

1. The Animatronics must be horrible to maximize creepiness. There is nothing that can ruin a nice outing to your local theme park like a creepy figure creeking up and down, moving its eyes back and forth and flapping its jaws due to the primitive machinery inside. The thing that makes animatronics so creepy is that they're supposed to make something that's clearly not alive look and act life-like. They don't succeed enough to fool anyone but lets face it, you wouldn't turn your back on one either...

2. The idea is not quality, but quantity. I want as many animatronics in my house as possible. To succeed at this i'll have to be a bargain shopper. Where other collectors would pass, I will pounce with all appropriate haste. It's really not the idea of having specific characters that amuses me, but rather the concept of having a house full of animatronics in general. I think the archetype i'm shooting for is that of the crazy cat lady. They don't have any specifics on what cats they take in. They just take in as many as possible until they die and are eaten by the cats. Hopefully when I die all of my animatronics will come to life and eat me too... though I won't get my hopes up.

3. No Robots. I don't understand why anyone would want an animatronic robot... That defeats the entire purpose. I like robots a lot but I'm still a man of principle.

4. It's all in the eyes. The eyes need to have at least 4 planes of motion. If the eyebrows can move that's even better. I don't want a house filled with toys. I want legit animatronics.

5. If you could fall asleep with it in the room it won't be in my house.

I often envision my golden years as being a slow but steady downward spiral at the end of which I will have become the sort of person who might appear in the movie "Big Fish" or be mummified and donated to a ripley's believe it or not museum. I think the acquisition of a large amount of animatronics to keep in my house is just a part of this natural and inevitable progression.

A few examples of animatronics that I approve of:

Animatronics that frighten children

Animatronics that frighten adults

Animatronics that frighten both children and adults

Thanks for wasting your time with me!

The Ancient Origins of the Pan-Flute and Its Undeniable Power Over Women.

2010-12-15T18:01:00.000-08:00

I've decided to learn to play the pan-flute. Garcilasso el Inca de la Vega, an expert on mayan culture and mythology, claims that the pan-flute has a special place in incan religious lore. The first of these beautiful handcrafted instruments is said to have been forged in a volcano by the god Apocatequil. He is said to have used the flute to lure Incan virgins into caves where they would be trapped forever as his concubines. As the legend goes, a newly wed couple had wandered into a forest to consecrate their marriage when they heard the haunting and erotic tones of Apocatequil's flute. They traced the source of the sound back to a cave and went in together. It is said that the man slayed Apocatequil but not before his new bride had fallen into a crevice and died. Ever the optimist, the man took the flute for himself hoping to attract a new wife. While his actual name is unknown, his legend as the first pan-flutist lives on. The Pan-flute has and always will be a source of pride for all who play and know it's true power.

Passionate Pan-flute (redundant)

Familiar Pan-flute

Progressive Pan-Flute (Women can play the pan-flute?!... Yes they can.)